Shattering

Things can be perfect in life. Nothing bad happening but all the things in the past that have happened and all the things that could happen pressed down on the girl. It’s hard to explain when you don’t even know yourself what’s wrong. 

But there is something wrong. 

A sense of uneasiness and doubt. The ever present panic attacks that seemed always so close, but never reaching the point where it becomes impossible to pull yourself out of it, or at least try and lessen the effects. Her chest tightening, air refusing to saturate her lungs. The shaky feeling in her hands and the intense need to leave the room she’s in. Throughout her day, in the middle of classes, this feeling always having to fight down. 

Then the sadness, the overwhelming sadness when she gets home. Crawling in bed exhausted and depressed wishing to never leave that spot again tears filling her eyes an emptiness that she had been trying to ignore all day grew and swallowed her whole. The intense feelings of need to cut her skin apart and watch the blood seep out of her skin creating that rush, that intense relief that she so needed.

But…

She couldn’t. She had to be strong. She had to be strong for the only person who kept her moving throughout her day with his constant messages and compliments and random conversations. She had to put on a brave face for him because it hurt her for him to worry. He knew, a few times her shell cracked when he was about to leave and she lost all composure. Wrapped in a hug she would suddenly hold tighter not wanting to move and starting to shake as tears would pour from her eyes. These moments only made her feel worse, she didn’t want him to worry more than he already did.  

She laid curled up in bed thoughts racing through her mind. He was too good for her, he put up with all her bad sides because she was sure she didn’t have a good one and why did all this happen to her when things were supposed to be going so good? and How long could someone go through these race of emotions before they finally crack?

The girl said yes. It took almost six months from the first time he had asked her on a date. They  were at a party drinking and as it grew later and they both grew more tired and tipsy the words had slipped from their lips. He once again asked her to be his girlfriend but this time a yes came out before she could start over thinking. They curled up on the floor and fell asleep together. In the morning he gave her a ride back home his eyes nervously shifting around as he admitted he was afraid she was going to take back her yes answer. She felt her stomach drop at such words knowing that was what was on her mind, but she would not take back her answer. It took a moment of weakness, of feeling on top of the world for her to finally admit she had feelings for him, more than she had maybe let on to him. Maybe more than she had let on to herself. 

The Dark Dance

The girl sat staring at the paper chain going across her wall as her computer made soft sounds alerting her that cricket boy had imed her. He had asked her half a dozen times at different moments to be his girlfriend, and each time she turned him down.She kept telling him she couldn’t that she wasn’t ready for a relationship when it was much more than that.

He seemed so attached to her; he cared way too much. They had been talking and getting closer for almost 5 months and she wasn’t any closer to saying yes. There was a small part of her mind where she wished it was easy for her just to just agree. It wasn’t that she didn’t like him, it was something that had only to do with her dark mind. 

It wasn’t about her past, her past was a small horror film which started the thought, but the fact that she didn’t want to hurt him was the major part. If she stayed an arms length away maybe he wouldn’t get hurt. Maybe if she kept turning him down he would leave and it wouldn’t hurt as much.

The girl deep down was figured out that there was only one thing that stopped her from saying yes. If she said yes she would be giving up on the thoughts that lurked deep within her mind. If she said yes she would also have to say no each time those thoughts asked for a dance. If she said yes she would have to back away from her small plans that formed in any potentially dangerous situation. In any moment when she felt too numb or realized she couldn’t handle living. 

If she said yes to him, she would be agreeing to live because she wouldn’t say yes just to end up hurting him.

1 note

I Thought Chivalry Was Dead

The girl sat with him in his car, they had gone out to see a movie where he had given her an energy drink and opened the door for her. In line he jumped ahead and got both tickets. She stood there awkwardly as each small thing happened shifting from one foot to the other as she tried to let him know she had money to pay, or mumbled out a weak thank you shifting through each door quickly. 

They sat during the movie his arm wrapped around her shoulders as she sat normally in her seat his head randomly leaning against hers for a small inhale and exhale of breath before he sat up straight again. Small laughs and exchanging of glances and small smiles as the film progressed and got more silly as it went on. They left talking about the movie all the way back to her house. 

They sat in the car outside as she stared at the black window that was her room as they started to talk about a bunch of things. Most of it she felt like was her rambling with the phrase “I should get out now huh?” stuck in between her syllables followed by a hug but instead each time she stayed five more minutes talking about something else. She leaned across over the seats again for one last hug before she would pull herself out of the car. They put their heads together and looked at each other eye to eye as soft words floated into the air.

She wanted to kiss him this time. She wished she could be that brave. Next second she knew her lips were pressed against his, but only for a moment. She pulled away out of his arms opening the car door and calling a soft “I’ll talk to you later.” as she ran up her walkway to the front door not believing she had actually done it. In the car cricket boy sat frozen with his arm still in place and jaw dropped.

Happy Fucking New Years

The girl laid with cricket boy, it was around three in the morning and they had been talking about how the year before went and how they were hoping the next would be different. He leaned closer to her and wrapped his arms around her, as she leaned more towards him to give him a hug back. There was something different about this hug, it wasn’t meant to be one. She looked up at him as he pressed his lips against hers, and she thought for a second she returned it, but it felt like an eternity that they were frozen, but it must have been only a few seconds as she turned her head away from his and leaned it into his shoulder not daring to look at him, her thoughts were already starting to race and she knew what was coming and couldn’t stop it.

"I’m sorry." He started to say as she pulled away and sat cross legged watching him, her hands pressed against the bottom of her face hiding it from view. She forced a smile and told him it was fine. It may have been fine but she wasn’t. Her breathing was starting to come in and out of her body rapidly. He kept repeating he was sorry, the words making her feel worse. "I shouldn’t have after you told me no to go out on a date but I was hoping…" He got out softly. His words were making it worse, they made her feel tiny and like she did something wrong to make him think there was any chance even if she had been very upfront. 

"I’m sorry I can’t… I just can’t I’m sorry." She felt herself repeating as her entire body started to shake and her breathing got faster. He moved to sitting up watching her confused. 

"It’s okay it’s my fault, you have nothing to be sorry for." He told her moving giving her a hug, it was impossible that he missed how her entire body was shaking. 

"I think I’m having a panic attack oh god I’m so sorry." She managed to get out trying to control her breathing even if it wasn’t working very well. Her entire jaw trembled when it moved. He started trying to calm her down by focusing on the cooler in the corner of the room and repeating himself, "It’s not working," she managed to get out a laugh making its way out of her mouth. 

He leaned back a moment before he started asking her questions, easy ones about the movie and what they did earlier that night, ones that took her a few moments to remember. Slowly as he asked more he pulled her mind out of the place it buried itself in. Her breathing was slowing down and she was focusing on the random and obvious questions he was asking. 

She felt herself saying sorry again as he told her to stop it, the last time she was doing that she caused herself a panic attack. He softly said how he should probably leave after that. They cleaned up the basement from their night as she tried to make her hands and legs work properly everything didn’t want to do what she asked. They talked lightly as she jokingly asked if he was going to start avoiding her again.

After they had everything back to the way it was she walked him up to the door and gave him a hug goodbye before closing the door behind him as she walked upstairs to her room wondering if she was that oblivious or if it was just as surprising as she thought. Another small creeping thought entered her mind; did she really want to kiss him back?

Once Upon a Time

                It was a bright sunny day outside the elementary school, it had been two days of rain and finally the kids were allowed to go outside for recess, but only in the field that was raised high above where the playground was. Fifth graders walked around the grassy areas in small groups and even at that age had formed their own cliques that could be seen clearly. Everyone had someone to play with, to walk around aimlessly in the open field, except one. There was one small chubby girl with frizzy dirty blonde hair playing by herself in the grass. She was the one outsider who once upon a time had friends that had slowly disappeared. All that was left at the school were people who avoided her, thought she was weird, and the worst… the ones who liked to spit in her hair and make fun of her. It’s not hard to say she learned not to trust anyone showing any sort of kindness long before.

                She moved along the grass waiting for signs of movement, nature was the closest thing she had to friends and bugs didn’t scare her like all the other girls. She was never really one of them. A quick movement caught her eye through the already thick and strange purple colored glasses frames. She knelt down and quickly scooped it up into her hands. Her attention was preoccupied that she didn’t notice the two boys come up behind her. “What are you doing?” The bigger one asked her as the other stood a couple steps behind him watching them.

                She opened up her hands showing the small dark cricket in her palms. “Catching crickets.” She said as he jumped back a scream escaping from his mouth. She felt a small laugh escape her. A boy afraid of a little bug? It was unheard of for her, and on top of it someone was backing away from her scared, a power she had never known. She took a step forward testing her limits, “Are you really afraid of a little bug?” She asked still giggling softly. 

The girl felt herself slowly come into the world. Her body felt like it wasn’t there, she was just a mind floating in the air. Slowly things became real, her eyes started to feel, they were heavy and stuck neither of them wanted to open. She pried them open as she forced herself to sit up. She wondered what happened the night before it was all blurry, she knew she had muted her mic on skype and laid down listening to the boys talking.

She couldn’t remember what they were talking about or if she had even said anything in the conversation. Her finally empty bottle of vodka and an empty soda on her side table were the only explanation. She had slept peacefully without any dreams.

They say you shouldn’t drink alcohol to try and sleep, or to self medicate if you’re sad and waking up she knew exactly why. Even though she couldn’t remember last night she knew it was nice it was calm and she slept perfectly. Was t worth it?

Her memory was foggy and she had the best nights sleep she had in a long time. In the morning the sadness that hung over her was ten times worse than the night before. Drinking was a terrible response, but she couldn’t help but crave more.

Drink the poison,

The voices whisper softly. 

It will warm your soul,

You’ll be a real girl.

Drink the poison,

They tempt you into darkness.

It will make everything feel

right.

Drink the bittersweet 

poison.

It will burn you inside,

but you’ll be alive.

So tell me,

Was it all just a lie?

Am I wasting inside?

Every second I waste thinking

Kills me another time. 

You just sit there far away

and watch me bleed out.

So tell me,

Was this always the plan?

You stole the breath from my lungs, 

At the moment I tried to breathe.

I turned into a gasping child,

Crying into the night when no one could hear.

You stood and watched,

As I slowly stopped.

3 notes